Bloody Fantastic
by kegusaran 14
Summary: Oh, well this is lovely. One moment I'm laying in bed, trying to sleep off a headache, and now I'm forced to listen to two foppish bunny rabbits as they march me up a hill. Well, life sucks sometimes.
1. Hangovers have never been this painful

A/N: The only interesting thing about this, is that it's the first time I've used the first person... let's see if this story even gets passed two chapters.

* * *

"So where we goin?"

It was the third time I had asked this question, and still the large fluffy bunnies carrying weapons and spouting odd curses at me refused to answer. They also took offense to being called rabbits, so bunnies seem like the better way to go. They fancy themselves hares, but I fancy not being forced to walk up a mountain, and they listen to me worse than I them.

Well, time to stop thinking about where I'm going. I figure I'll get that answer soon enough. Let's instead wonder why the hell I'm some sort of cat. Yes, with ears and tail and all. No, not like those creepy internet things... well, maybe.

Anyway, this morning I awoke to find my pillow had miraculously morphed into a tree. I've never known inanimate objects to evolve in such a way, and in my drowsy state, questioned why my pillow waited for me to have a hangover before transforming, instead of how it could do such a thing in the first place. My ear twitched in irritation, and then I realized my ears seemed a bit off. Grabbing hold of one, I also noticed that my hand seemed to have gained excessively long fingernails. Oh yes, and then the tail made it's presence known. At about this point I woke up more to wonder what in God's green Earth was going on.

I was in a full body of armor.

What.

I had to take it off using claws while a tail swished around behind me.

 _What._

Oh, and I'm a f*cking cat, apparently.

... Alright.

So, while I tried remembering what kind of drugs could've been used to spike my drink last night, I also decided to scan my surroundings. A wall of trees surrounded me, branches shading me from the sun. Thinking back on it, I'm surprised I didn't freak out more about being in a random woodland, when in my last state of consciousness I had been in a club in New York. Then again, I suppose waking up a different species does sort of take up most of your mind.

So, to spare you the boring details, I spent a while sitting there, pondering over my situation, and though I've forgotten the exact words I said then, I'm sure they were quite intelligent and displayed great confidence.

"Quit your blubberin', you great flea bag, wot!"

Yes, I know what you must be thinking. How exactly did I end up in England? To that, I'll answer with the same response I'd answer just about any other question you may ask. I have no idea.

"I said shut it! Wot in the blazes are you doin' out here! Is that your own armor you have strewn about all willy nilly?"

I finally snapped my attention away from my own body to that of the one speaking to me. I was already getting ready to tell whoever this woman was that I wasn't really a cat, when I noticed that I was getting ready to talk to a rabbit. Now, please realize that I was disoriented, I was in a new body, and I was going through extreme pressure while dealing with a probable hangover. I say this, because my first conversation with another individual in this new world I'm in might not seem too... profound.

"You're a rabbit."

This seemed to irritate the rabbit.

"Bugger off, you! I'm a hare of the Long Patrol, wot wot!"

"Listen, whatever. Ok. Talking rabbit. Cool. Just... where am I?"

The moody rabbit was at least kind enough to answer that one.

"You're in the Western part of Mossflower Wood."

"Ok. Alright. What country am I in?"

"Wot's a country?"

"Alrighty. Ok. You know what, I'm gonna just head out, I'll be taking that armor, and I'll get out of your hair."

"Not so fast, ya funny talking mongrel! You expect me to believe yor just here on leisure, while there's an army full o' bloody vermin sieging Salamandastron only a half a league away?"

"The Hell is a Salamandastron?"

Alright, so I was already getting prepared to just leave it and just say, 'Go ahead, take the armor, I don't care. Have a nice day, Miss Talking Hare.' Before I could say any of that, however, the blasted animal twirled her little spear around and thwacked me something good right on the side of the head. It hurt. It hurt quite a bit.

"Son of a b*tch, what the f*ck! Why the f*ck would you do that?"

"Yor coming with me, wot wot! Yor going to give us some information on yor liddle army's plans!"

"I'm not in an army, you stupid-"

A large blunt object collided with the back of my head before I could finish my insult. It was a good one, too, and I couldn't remember it when I awoke later. That saddens me the most. Anyway, I woke up about, oh I don't know, an hour later? Three hours later? Hard to tell, they had a bag of some sort over my head and I had a splitting headache. If you're wondering what the sum of hangover+head injury equals, allow me to fill you in with the brief answer.

Ooooooooooooooooooooowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.

Alright, so I believe we're all caught up. I'm trudging with two rabbits uphill while dealing with a lack of answers and a severe head pressure.

 _CRACK-A-BOOM!_

Oh, and it sounds like a thunderstorm might be coming soon. And I didn't even say 'What else could go wrong?' or anything.

...

Today really sorta sucks.

* * *

A/N: What's this? TWO AUTHOR'S NOTES? Yeah, quick little thing here. If you're wondering why I'm starting another story when (not including this one) I've only completed half my stories, I'll answer.

For funsies. Next chapter of Sands, Noonvale, and maybe Hoofbasket in the works.


	2. Why wot?

A/N: Alright, so I lied about Noonvale. I'm half surprised I don't delete that story.

* * *

"One more word, cat! Just one more word," the hare in front of me said. "and I'll shove this spear down your throat til it reaches the tip of your tail!"

"Look, I appreciate that you like spicing up your threats, but you've been saying stuff like that for about an hour, a half hour at least! Why don't you just tell me what a Salamanderstrong is and I'll be more than happy to be quiet."

"You must think us daft, wot! To believe that you don't know what Salamandastron is." This time, the angry bunny from before was yelling. She was keeping pace behind me, occasionally shoving me. I'm pretty sure she was just doing it out of spite than actually trying to help me along. Just a guess. This wasn't the first time a rabbit had given me so much grief, but it was a first in that I didn't have a gun with me to get some payback.

"Well, I _do_ believe that, but not for the reason you're giving. Look, just untie my hands."

"What in blazes are hands?" The male in front asked. Also, how weird is it that I can differentiate the genders of rabbits? Maybe my cat ears are picking it up. Speaking of which, still have cat ears. Still need to look into that one, but at this point, I'd say it's a question for later.

"Look, whatever, ok. Paws, hands, claws, I don't care! UNTIE THEM, WHATEVER THEY ARE!"

"You're in no position to be makin demands of us, wot!" That voice blasting into my ears from the back is gonna give me a tumor, I know it.

"Why do rabbits love saying that?"

"Wot?"

"That. That right there. The whole, _wot wot_ thing. Why is that needed? Is that a culture thing? A bunny thing? A Saler-whatever thing?"

"If you don't stop talking-"

"Why do you need to continually ask _wot_ to everything. Your ears are gigantic! There's no way you're not hearing what I'm-"

 _Whack!_

You know, in hindsight, I'm not quite sure what I expected to happen. One thing I sure didn't expect was the second blow to hurt worse than the first. I'm beginning to think cat skulls are far less durable than humans skulls. Either way, unconsciousness is almost always an immediate relief.

That is until you wake up from it. Though at first it was hard to tell, everything was still so damned dark. There was a glow coming from my right, and I noticed I was apparently laying on a small bed of hay and grass. Hopefully cat me has less allergies than me me. Also, prison bars. Cool, I guess. I turned to see the glow came from some torches, and that two of those big eared buck teethed bastards were sitting on some chairs on the opposite side of the bars.

"Alright, now where am I?"

"Bloody cat is awake. Somebeast tell Lady Steelheart." The female one said.

"I'm on it." Alright, different male voice. A bit lighter in pitch, sounds a bit youngish.

"Hey." I said nonchalantly.

"Wot now, vermin?" Gosh, she is a bright little ray of sunshine.

"So... this your place? Comfy. What is this, a dungeon? Feels like a dungeon."

"You're being held in the lower dungeons of Salamandastron. None of your friends can help you here."

"Fair enough. Though I doubt my friends would be of much help now anyway. Probably wouldn't really recognize me... neither would my folks..."

No response came. I sat about for a few seconds, or maybe minutes, hard to tell when all you got to look at is rocks.

"Alright, so, what's your name?"

No response.

"Do bunny rabbits have names?"

...

Alright, different approach.

"How about this. Do you have any questions for lil' ol' me?"

"The Lady Steelheart will be askin' the questions, wot."

"Is she coming anytime soon? No offense, but you're not the world's greatest conversationalist."

"I don't _converse_ with the like of you." There was some pretty thick contempt in that tone. It's almost as if she didn't enjoy my company. Perish the thought.

I decided to wait the rest out in silence. Thankfully, it wasn't too terribly long before the beast with the medieval carebear name came down. It was escorted by two hares, one of them being the younger guy. Zero smiles all around, this boded well. The beast had sort of a weird color pattern on its fur, and it was much taller than the rabbits. Donned in some glittery armor, it looked a mix of cute and bizarrely cool. Like if you were to dress a dog up in a costume and the dog actually sort of didn't look completely ridiculous in it.

It was staring intensely at me while I sort of just laid there. I decided to get up. My back felt sore, but a few good stretches helped pop it. After cracking my neck, I strolled over towards it. I noticed then that the cell they put me in was rather roomy. Heck, put a bed in there, maybe get some better ventilation... perhaps a key for me to get in and out, and the place wouldn't be half bad. Oh, and some food. Kinda hungry right about now.

Apparently, an unarmed prisoner behind bars is still a legitimate threat to an armed and armored lady, as all three hares were up and ready to gouge me in three distinct spots before I even got to the bars. Swatting away the one lined up with my left eye, I extended my hand.

"Hiya. an I leave yet?"

The damn thing kept looking at me for a bit longer, and the decided to give the nicest response I'd heard so far in this little odd universe.

"No."

"Oh, f*ck you."

...

"Wot?"

"Learn new words, ya big eared bastards. And you, stubby-legged thing, listen and listen good. I'm tired of being a bunch of random animals' bitch, and I'm tired of not knowing what the f*ck is going on! I partied, I got drunk, AND I passed out as a _human friggin being_ last night, and this morning I woke up as a cat, being prodded and beaten by rabbits! I want to know how I got to this weird little Hell, I want to know why it is I'm being imprisoned, and I want to know just what the f*ck you all are, and how're you're all walking and talking!"

The individuals holding spears seemed rather intrigued by my choice of vocabulary, and the two personal guards even lowered their spears a bit. The one from before still looked pissed though, and her spear was still at the ready to be driven through my fuzzy little throat.

"My name is Steelheart. I am the Lady Ruler of Salamandastron. I'm a badger, and I know not why it surprises you that my companions can speak." The big thing said flatly.

I had calmed down after my... somewhat obscene outburst, and composed a thoughtful response. I coughed and nodded.

"You want out?" The big thing asked.

"Yup." Let it be known I had five different quips at the tip of my tongue, but I was smart enough to keep those ones quelled.

"Alright. Sparrow, let him out."

I half expected a talking bird to swoop in and with some keys and unlock the door, but instead it was the oh so pleasant rabbit with her weapon nearly poking me that responded. "Marm, I do hope you know what you're doing."

"Put the spear down, it'll be alright. If he tries anything, I can handle him." She said all of that in a cold monotone voice. I get the feeling she also wasn't quite fond of me yet.

Sparrow, odd name for a mammal, got the key and unlocked the door. I stood there for a bit, not wanting to do anything too sudden in fear of startling them.

"Join me in a walk, Mr..."

It's occurred to me that I've never really properly introduced myself. For that I apologize, I figure I should've gotten that done in the first chapter. Still was a bit preoccupied back then. Anyway-

"My name is Don Juan."

That's a lie. That's not my name, I'll admit it. However, nobody here is really going to call me on it. Honestly, if I'm going to be stuck in a different universe, might as well take what little fun I can get. Hell, I'm almost surprised I didn't say a goofier name.

"Are you going to join me, or would you like to still be in the cell when the door closes, Don Juan?"

With a grin suppressed, I followed the Lady Ruler of Salamandastron out of my prison cell and began what would become a rather dull and boring adventure through a whole new world.

* * *

A/N: Keepin it quick. Wanted to get some time to say that, despite the lack of updates, I've actually been doing fairly well at being productive. Sands will be getting a chapter soon, as might this one... NEXT WEEK however, absolutely no writing will get done. That's because stuff. However, after that, I'll be COMPLETELY DONE WITH SCHOOL and will have a job with a schedule that'll allow for more writing on my part. Cheers mates, a new era of actual common updates will soon be upon us!

As always, I thank you for reading, and if you'd like, leave any criticism or comments in a review. I hope you all have a good day.


	3. Running theme

Once again I awoke startled to the sight of a cramped, stone-walled room, sleeping on a bed of straw and hay. It's been two bloody weeks, and I still am not used to my new arrangements. Hell, I'm sure it'll be years, or _seasons,_ before I get used to the damned tail. Still... I suppose it beats the cell. At least the delightful Sparrow wasn't glaring at me here. Even if she seemed to make up for it by shooting daggers at me anytime she saw me outside the room. Lady Steelheart (man that name sounds like it's compensating for something) was gracious enough to not have me room in the same building as any of the rabbits.

Of course, housing comes with a price. Apparently I'm to go out sometime today to a big building out in the middle of nowhere that has red walls and "enjoy their hospitality instead of Salamandastron's". In other words, I'm to stop mooching off them and take a hike. I'm to be given three guards to safely escort me there, and then I can say goodbye to hares forever. Sounds good.

"The journey will take a great many days." She had said that first day, after dragging me up from the cell. The room we were in had a small table, two comfortable chairs, and no hares.

Alright, long travels. Less good, but hey, at least it'll just be three random-

"One of your guards will be Lt. Sparrow."

 _Damnit, why! WHY! Why for God's sake would you do this to me, you ugly little fur-pig! Why the hell would you do this!_

"Uh... why her?" I had asked.

"She volunteered the moment I asked."

Ok, she's here to kill me. I'm going to walk out of this big mountain-city thing, and she's gonna ram a damn spear through me and make me a cat-ca-bob. And then she'll probably spit on my grave... oh wait, I won't even get a grave.

I figured if I voiced my concerns in a careful enough way, I could get the badger lady to see why this wasn't the best idea.

"She's gonna kill me. How about anybody else?"

"On the contrary, that's exactly why she's one of your guards."

Oh wow, blunt and horrifying. I gotta admit, I was not expecting her to just come out and say it. Too bad it was sunny outside, some lightning or thunder would've really capped that one off. Perhaps the noise I'd heard earlier was just my brain pounding against my injured skull. Silly me. I didn't really have much of a retort for that one.

"Let me clarify," she continued. "For the next week we'll house you and give you food, but with lingering suspicions on your intent here, as well as your being a cat, I don't think it's quite the safest place for you to be. So we'll send you to Redwall Abbey. Now, if you are who you say you are, and have no ill will towards anybeast here or there, you'll find that your guards will be nothing but helpful, and will serve as great protection. However, if you do indeed belong the wretched scum attempting to conquer our city, and you plan on going back to them with information on our city, Sparrow will drive her spear through you before you can say fuke."

"Alri- what?"

"Was that not the word you used earlier?"

... Oh my God, I can't believe I took that thing seriously.

* * *

So a week later, and I'm donning the armor I was found in, finding myself unable to think of anything other than the fact that I could die in the next 24 hours. Oh joy bunnies. And, speaking of which, I'm off to go meet three of them and the big ol' stubby legged majesty herself.

As I strode through the buildings, I couldn't help but wonder why there's a siege going on for this place. I mean, sure, there's a few cool rocks around, some nice statues, apparently there's good food here, they just only served me bread with a suspiciously spit-tasting sauce on all of it. Maybe there's some sort of treasure hidden in here? Oh well. Who cares? I'm leaving.

I finally arrived at the little meeting place. A small space between two buildings and ending at the wall that surrounded the city. The big one was there, along with the three rabbits. I recognized Sparrow by the scowl, and the frowns of the other two assured me that the upcoming journey wouldn't be too conversation-filled.

"Hiya," I said as I made my way up to them. Might as well try to start cheery.

"Hello Don Juan. Allow me to introduce your guides. This is Colonel Kenwall Whaship Juvial, he knows the surrounding territories like the back of his paw."

Hand.

I extended my own *hand* to him, which he shook, though it seemed to be an inconvenience to him. He was a tad bit shorter than me, ears excluded. He had a rather large patch of fur right under his little pink nose, to which I can only relate to a mustache, odd as that might sound on a rabbit. He sported a large red hat and a green coat, as well as a short sword of sorts attached to his hip. He seemed a bit disinterested in this whole thing, looking about this way and that in a bored manner.

"This is Major Rodie Brushtail Longpike Ferel. She's an expert in ranged tactics, can out-shoot any squirrel with a bow and arrow and can out-throw any otter with a javelin."

I can't help but feel I'm supposed to be impressed by this. I extend my hand to her as well, but this time the rabbit just spat at my feet and nodded at me. She wore the same uniform as the Col., though she seemed to be a bit taller, almost at eye level with me. She also seemed a bit more alert looking than her companion. She seemed to be sizing me up, most likely getting ready to kill me should I go ahead and join with a bunch of other animals I don't know.

"And I believe you're already acquainted with Lt. Sparrow?"

Huh, only one name on that one. They couldn't have thrown in a Sr.? Or esquire? Not even a "the 3rd"?

Before I could extend my hand, she spat in my face.

"Yeah, I'm familiar."

"You three know your mission, and I trust that you all will follow my directions to the utmost degree."

"Yes Milady." The three spoke and saluted in unison.

"You'll succeed in your mission, and return to your post here as soon as you can?"

"Yes Milady."

"You'll start no unnecessary problems?"

"No Milady."

The badger asked yet another question, and I'll admit to sort of tuning out. It's weird how she asked them if they knew what they were doing, and then after they said yes, immediately went into all the things that they were to do and not do. I don't know, isn't that weird? It's like asking someone, 'Did you cook the turkey like I told you?' and them replying 'Yes.' 'Well did you skin the turkey like I told you?' 'Yes.' 'Did you get all the bones out and get the oven to the right temperature like I told you?' 'Yes.' 'Did you-'

...

Oh are they done?

They all seemed to be looking at me.

"Hm?"

"I asked if you're still willing to go forth on this mission?"

"Yeah."

"Are you-"

"Ok, not to be rude, but we're burning daylight here. People have things to do, let's wrap this-"

Sparrow took it upon herself to kindly correct my brash behavior with the personal gift of a clenched fist to my gut. Uncharacteristically, this wasn't followed by a threat, a warning, or any loss of consciousness on my part. Instead, they all waited for me to recover, and then the stubby one continued.

"Are you willing to aid them should they need it during this journey?"

Odd, I thought she picked them out because they were the best of the best, why would they need my he- aw screw it.

"Sure thing. Help them help me get to somewhere not here. Sounds great. Any other questions? If not, we better go."

Sparrow made to strike me again, but the guy rabbit held her back.

"So these don't count as unnecessary problems?" I asked.

"No." The badger said _while smirking!_ Glad to know my pain is amusing!

Badgers have officially tied rabbits on the top of my shit list.

"Good luck on your journey, Long Patrol. Sorry for this final inconvenience, Don Juan."

What, the trip? Why would she apologize for that?

"Wha-?"

 _Thwap!_

I'm sensing a running theme here. I can't wait to hear their excuse for _this_ knock to my noggin. Suppose that'll be my first question when I regain consciousness.

* * *

A/N: Meant to add more, but I sort of want to keep these chapters short, easy, readable. Thanks yet again to the great L. Mica for pre-reading this chapter.

(For those wondering why Salamandastron is regarded as more a city than fortress here, it'll be explained later. It was intentional though.


	4. A nonviolent rabbit, who woulda thunk it

A/N: Holy crap, leave this thing alone for like, two weeks, and another review and two new followers. Damn. I gotta start putting more attention on this thing.

* * *

A mouse clad in shining armor appeared, the only thing visible in a bleak expanse of space. I was vaguely aware that even I was not truly there. Nothingness and black, all except for a mouse. I tried to speak, but found no voice. I tried to move, but had nothing of which I could move. I felt trapped in the surrounding void.

 _"From worlds away, in desperate need,  
a lone fox brought you here.  
Now cat, you must listen, and take heed,  
for you to find the seer."  
_

Suddenly, another animal appeared. Colors emerged around it, molding and shifting to form a clearing around it. It was a fox, donned in silk and walking along a path. Soon, other shapes took their place around it, and the image became that of an army traveling.

 _"For intents less pure, they sought you,  
to help them defeat my ancient home."_

The colors yet again morphed, now displaying a grand building made of red bricks. It almost immediately burst into flame, and shouts and shrieks could be heard from it as dark figures poured into it with spears and swords and torches and the like.

 _"Now I'll tell you what to do,  
to-"_

* * *

"WAKE UP YOU LAZY BLOODY VERMIN!"

The world came back with a swift kick to the gut, and I almost immediately missed the sensation of not feeling my body. I sat up to see the faces of my cheery hiking guides picking up their meager supplies. Standing above me, the endearing scowl of Sparrow. Her buck teeth prominent and her little whiskers twitching, it was more than a little challenging to take her serious-

 _Whack!_

The kicks helped in that regard. Rubbing my newly acquired bruise, I decided to address the group while a majority of them looked too preoccupied to do more damage to me.

"Quick question. Does anyone here actually want me to make it to Redbrick?"

"Redwall, ya mean?" the male rabbit asked.

"Thank you... Ken? Your name was Ken- is Ken? Right? Ken?"

"Kenwall. Colonel Kenwall Waship Juvial," he recited proudly.

"Alright. I'll try to remember that. So, do you want to see me make it to Redwall?"

"So long as you've proven to me that you won't harm any decent beast in there? It'd be my pleasure to escort ya there," he said while rolling up the last of the mats. The other rabbit, whose name I'd have to ask for later, was busy sifting through arrows and lances in a sling. Sparrow was giving me the stink eye while packing up leftovers from a meal I must have slept through.

"And also your job."

"Aye, that too."

Ok, so he doesn't hate me. It's not a genetic thing for all rabbits to be jerks. Good to know.

"Alright, so... wouldn't it make sense to not kick me or punch me at every opportunity so we can hurry and get to... Redwall?"

"Don't look at me, I haven't done a thing to you." He chuckled. We glanced over to Sparrow, who was busy trying to make the "if looks could kill" phrase an actual form of murder. Kenwall chuckled and started walking towards the edge of the campsite. Seeing as he was distancing himself from Sparrow, I decided it wouldn't be a bad idea to follow.

"Well I'd ask her, but I don't exactly think I'd be able to walk away from that conversation unharmed."

"That's a fair concern," he admitted, a small smile showing itself beneath the bushy caterpillar one might call a ridiculous facial hair choice.

"How about what's her name?" I decided to bring the one nobody cares about into the conversation.

"Rodie?"

"What, no 'Major' or 'Corporal' or list of her other twenty names?"

"It's a wonder nobeast has killed you yet, y'know."

"I haven't been here long, that might just be why."

"Where have you been, might I ask?"

"Do you know where Nebraska is?"

"Not familiar."

"United States?"

"No."

"North America?"

"No."

"Western Hemisphere?"

"No."

"The planet Earth?"

"The what?"

Oh my God, this is bloody torture...

Wait... Constant abuse, mental deterioration, I feel like someone is laughing at my torment...

"Am I in Hell?" I asked, stopping in my tracks, as all this seemed to be coming together. Torture, check. My last memory was that of blacking out at a club... could I have been drugged? Poisoned? And if so, why wasn't Rick here as well? Rick deserved Hell way more then me! Is this because he went to church that morning? Is that seriously the reason? What the-

"No. You're on your way to Mossflower Wood though, there may be a few spots one could relate to Hellsgates."

"Ok, so you know what HELL is, but the concept and or name of the planet you're on RIGHT NOW is what's flying over your head?"

"Quit arguin', cat! It's time to move, wot wot!"

I AM GOING TO SHOVE THAT SPEAR DOWN HER THROAT, SO HELP ME!

"Alright."

The hiking began, and continued the rest of the day, with little to no distractions... not counting anything that spewed from Sparrow's mouth, that is.

* * *

Short lil chapter, especially considering the last two. That's mainly because I wanted to give the next chapter a bigger opening, and rest assured, more action, characters, and exposition are on the way.


	5. Mistakes were made

A/N: Quick little note, thanks again to the fabulous poet/writer/reviewer/good-ol'-buddy-of-mine Mica. Y'all need to take some time out of your day to go over and read his story, it's the bee's knees, the snake's feet, the Kegusaran's writing schedule, and some other thing that doesn't exist that may or may not be used to describe just how damn nonsensically good it is.

* * *

"So, I'm allowed to eat birds?" I inquired, casually munching on some sort of fruit. It tasted awful, and my new dental structure wasn't too happy with it, either.

"You'd have to kill it first, but yes, you can eat birds," Kenwall responded, munching on his fifth fruit. Both he and Sparrow had chowed down through their daily provisions and were sitting on the opposite side of the campfire from me. Kenwall leaned back on the log and let out a yawn. Sparrow took slow deliberate bites, her brows scrunched down and not giving any sign that they'd return to normal. The same could be said for the scowl on her face, to be honest, I think it might just be physically impossible for her to smile.

"But they talk?"

"Some do, aye, some talk."

"Are those... so those one are off limits? For eating? Right?"

The silence that followed led me to believe that I might have been a bit confusing in my question. That and the dumbfounded looks on their faces. Said silence lingered a bit longer than I would figure. I mean, was that really that idiotic of a question?

"Where exactly are you from again, Don?" Kenwall inquired.

"Nebraska," I repeated for the fifth or sixth time. That hour.

"Indeed... and that would be where?"

Oh God, I am not going through this crap again. Time for alternate conversation topic #7.

"So, how come you don't have a thick accent like the other rabbit?" It was a question that had been bothering me for some time. I think Sparrow was doing some sort of bad cockney, but to be fair I've never actually listened to a Cockney person speak, and from what I hear, Dick Van Dyke was not too accurate in his portrayal of the people.

Oh wait, this is somewhat old medieval England. That probably wouldn't be too well received. Perhaps I could call her Van? No, that'd just be ironic. How about Dy- oh crap, Kenwall's been talking this whole time. OK, what's he saying?

"That's why I don't share the same speech patterns as the rest of my brothers and sisters in arms."

Yeah, figures I tune in right after he actually answers my question... wait, he's looking at me. Oh crap, does he expect me to follow up on what he said? Oh... uh...

"Huh, so you're the only one?"

"With my accent? Aye, I suppose. If you're asking about general accents, Rodie does contain a pretty noticeable one."

... Do I know that name? He said it really casually, maybe it's a friend of his.

"Who's Rodie?"

I never realized how bushy Kenwall's eyebrows were until I saw them furrow as he looked at me in confusion. Sparrow explored the variety of emotions that only she could feel... so in other words, she just continued to glare at me. Thankfully, a timely interruption occurred at that very moment.

"WHO GOES THERE?" The trees shouted in a boisterous tone.

Immediately Sparrow had her javelin in hand, and Kenwall grabbed a bow. I went for a weapon of my own, but the tip of the javelin pointed towards me as I moved, so it looks like I'm without a weapon.

"Who are you?" Kenwall called back.

"I ASKED YOU FIRST, YOU GREAT BIG FURBAGS!"

Alright, more English accents, at least less Dyke-ish.

"I am Kenwall Waship Juvial, Colonel of the Long Patrol!"

"AH, A HARE."

How observant these English trees seem to be.

"I am Sparrow of the Long Patrol!" Sparrow called out, her javelin back to pointing towards an extended branch. I'm beginning to think this scenario is a bit silly.

"YOU ARE A RABBIT, NOT A SPARROW!" The voice stated with annoyance. "I DO NOT ABIDE LIARS! WHAT OF THE THIRD ONE?"

Oh goody, now it's my turn to converse with the vegetation. "I'm unimportant!" I called out. In hindsight, this answer might not have been my best idea, but I was getting a tad bit annoyed.

"WE'LL BE THE JUDGES OF THAT!"

Leave it to the British to be judgmental.

Wait, if I'm making a stereotype about someone else, does that mean I'm judgmental? Oh great, not only am I a talking cat being held hostage by rabbits talking to trees, but now I'm a racist hypocrite, too!

...

God I need to get back home.

My attention was brought back to my surroundings as I saw a few odd shapes scamper down from the trees.

"Good day hares. Allow me to introduce ourselves. We're what's left of the Jugalong tribe, and my name is Willow."

It was a squirrel that said this. A squirrel with war paint on its face and a bow draped across its back. I'm sure that one might think after all the shenanigans I've gone through in just this past little while, I'd quit getting awed by the increasing ridiculousness of my situation... but one would overestimate my ability to adapt and cope with bullshit.

"K great, bye." I packed up a few of our supplies and made to leave, but a familiar pointy object pricked my back.

"Show some manners cat!"

... Screw it.

"Rabbit, you can either take that stupid stick from my back, or you can get ready to eat it."

"Was that a threat, cat?"

"Wanna find out?"

"Hey, now, let's all of us just calm down." Kenwall tried pulling Sparrow back, but she brushed him off. Meanwhile, the suspiciously Chinese sounding named tribe was circling me, bow in one hand, arrow in the other. In any other circumstance I'd be nervous, but I'm taking part in a Disney short mixed in with Camelot, so no, nervous isn't really a mood that can be had right about now.

"So, Willow, am I to assume your friends' names are Oak and Birch?"

"Was that supposed to be a joke?" She asked.

"Depends, are you actually intelligent enough to grasp humor?"

"Aye, though it seems you're not smart enough to use it."

"Touché." Alright, so she seems like a winner. "Welp, it's been fun guys, but I've had about enough of this."

Sparrow snarled. "What do you plan o-"

I decked her so hard I was sure I broke a bone in my fist, but God did I feel great at that moment. I mean, yeah, the resulting blow to the back of my head reminded me that the retaliation was probably going to be horrible, but... uh...

...

It's occurred to me that I may have made a mistake.

* * *

A/N: All that waiting and this is the meager amount I deliver. Aint I a peach?

I intended for this chapter to be huge, including an ambush from some random vermin, separating the characters up, exploring these new characters I just made, yada yada, etc. However, if you haven't noticed, I like to abandon a lot of my projects. And so, this chapter sat about a third the way finished for a looooooooong while. So, I decided to give a quick wrap up, and then we'll see if this story ever gets another chapter.

So, in other words, indefinite hiatus. Yippee. (Apologies.)

Also, as some of you can probably tell, this chapter was not spell checked, nor grammar checked. I'm going to be putting that effort into term papers and scholarships.

Wow this is a long and rambly good-bye.


	6. Good Ol' Whats-Her-Name

A/N BACK FROM THE DEAD!

* * *

"Hey."

 _"For far too long, you've fought your friends,  
these fights will lead you to your-"_

"Yeah, I know. Yada yada, rhyme scheme, yada yada prophecy. Look, I'm tired, this is the first night in a while where I wasn't beaten into unconsciousness. I'd really like to just enjoy my ni-

 _"You know not what power you possess,  
_ _you won't get any reprieve from rest."_

"Really? Just ignoring me? Can you leave me alone? Please? At least for tonight. Because I would like to have a decent night's rest. I've been marching with two morons looking for their friend, all while being berated by one of them. Not to mention some new tag-a-longs that seem to have picked up on the abusive stuff-"

 _"You cannot escape your destiny,  
_ _for as long as-"_

"Oh wow, not even gonna let me finish? Well, fine then. Only one course of action. LA LA LA LA LA LA-"

 _"Shut up, cat."_

"Ah ha! An actual response! Now I know what tactic to use! LALALALALALA-"

"SHUT UP, YOU OVERGROWN DIBBUN!"

Huh, that one didn't sound like-

* * *

 _THWAP!_

I've begun to notice that the sound of a stick hitting someone is much more pathetic than it should be. I mean, stinging pain and possible injuries to your very bones, and the most someone else hears is about the same sound as a rubber band smacking the back of someone's neck. I'm just saying, if getting hit by a blunt instrument hurt as much as the noise caused by it suggested, I would have far less reason to hate each and everyone of the things surrounding me.

... That's a lie, I'd still have every good reason to hate everyone.

Speaking of which, one of the reject sidekicks for Squirrel Girl was hovering over me.

"Just because Sparrow likes squawking doesn't mean you need to." I muttered.

"Then perhaps you should shut your own mouth!"

At first, it had been a hassle trying to discern the squirrels from each other. With the rabbits, there was moustache man and the bane of my existence. Oh, and the other one. Still don't know where she is. Anyway, with the squirrels it was a much different case. Two of them were females, two were males, and one still had me on the fence. The one that just got done giving me the medieval wake up call was one of the guys.

"Which one are you, again?" I asked. I can't honestly remember if he had ever given his name.

"Giddup." He growled.

"Well, Giddup, I'd love to, really, but I think I might have trouble with that, what with the whole BEING TIED UP!"

At this point, I should think nobody reading this is surprised at my being bound with rope. One doesn't just punch a military officer and get away with it. On the upside, I'll never not feel proud of myself for my actions. Sure, my face is probably a sight for sore eyes. Getting punched a minimum of ten times a day will do that. Granted, half of them could have been avoided if I learned to stop making sarcastic comments, but holding those in would be more painful than any beating. Being tied up with rope was more annoying, especially when one factors in bathroom breaks. Or eating. Or everything.

"Not my problem." 'Giddup' sneered. He was the second bulkiest of the squirrels, and carried around an axe. I'll admit to laughing when he tried boasting around the campfire about how many vermin he'd taken down with it. The hilarity came from two things.

A. He was trying to intimidate me, and he failed miserably. More importantly...  
B. He was trying to impress the rabbits, specifically Sparrow.

The big oaf seemed to be a bit smitten with the shrill beast. Where the attraction came from, I'll never know. Maybe he's a sadist and he likes seeing her abuse me, maybe squirrels just have things for other animals (if that's the case, then there's a discovery channel documentary that I need to avoid), or maybe it was just the fact that she was the only available beast around.

Willow was the tribe chief, and apparently that meant she couldn't have any "mates" as they called it. Bit of an odd custom, but hey, that's probably the least bizarre thing I've encountered throughout my two week long journey. Also, she's got the best wit out of any of these schnooks, and it'd go wasted on the big moron. He basically gift wrapped most of the insults he received.

The other female was his sister, and thankfully incest isn't a thing that happens here. I mean, I suppose I don't actually know that, but I sort of need some security that this isn't the most terrible thing in the entire universe. Anyway, her name was some sort of combination of a tree and an appendage. No clue why her parents gave her that name, perhaps they weren't too bright. Considering who else they had for a kid, it really wouldn't surprise me. She was fairly quiet, but also much larger than her older brother. Her face was also the most heavily done in paint, a thick coat of white all over her head with red around the eyes and black on her snout.

The other guy was about the same stature as Willow, and seemed the most laid back. He hardly ever seemed to notice me, and any time he was forced to stand guard over me, he more or less just made small talk with me. He gave me his name once, but I forgot it rather quickly and resorted to calling him Roadkill. He was confused, but I assured him it was a name of great respect in my culture. Since he was talking to a large feline supposedly named Don Juan, I doubt he was all too suspicious of whether or not I was lying.

The final member of this odd little bunch was the mute. Roadkill said something about them losing their tongue a while ago to a rat with a knife. I'll admit to giggling at that, because the thought of a rat with a switchblade and greaser jacket came to my mind when he was telling me the story. Said giggling prompted a punch in the gut from Sparrow, though whether that that was from me laughing at a story of someone losing their tongue or just because I was experiencing joy, I don't know.

Anyway, back to the plot.

"I assume it would be your problem. Either you help me up, or you carry me. Your call." I tried my best to sound confident while keeping eye level with his feet.

There was a bit of silence that followed.

"Yeah, didn't think of that one, did ya?"

"Shut up."

As I was being hoisted up, I looked around.

My head had been laying comfortably on a moss covered log, about a yard away from the thirty-fifth clearing in the woods we'd camped at. I'm beginning to think this forest was designed by a certain Batman villain.

After the little incident the week before, I wasn't allowed to sleep near the campfire. Instead, I was plopped in any area somewhat close to the camp, and someone else was in charge of making sure I didn't try to wriggle away during the night. Unfortunately, tonight was Giddup's night.

"Listen, I think I can manage not screaming anymore, I can just go back to bed." As much as I'd gotten used to it, I wasn't really in the mood for another beating.

"The other hare just came back, and she wants to have a word with you."

Oh thank God I'm not the only one who doesn't know her name, maybe he can ask for... oh, wait. Rabbit + Me = Not Good Times. I'm now less excited.

"So does 'have a word with you' mean beating or combo of insults and beating?"

"Her call." He said smugly.

As we entered the clearing, I saw the Willow, Sparrow, Kenwall and good ol' whats-her-name standing around the fire, quietly discussing. Roadkill and the mute were snuggled together closer to the supplies and Giddup's sister was nowhere to be seen.

Kenwall turned away from the conversation and noticed us approaching.

"Really, you couldn't just untie him and let him walk with you? You really had to carry him?" Kenwall asked. Willow sighed and shook her head, and the third rabbit just looked dumbfounded. Really, it's a shame I don't get along with these folk, because I very much agree with all of their reactions... except for Sparrow, who was just glowering at me.

"Can't be too careful with vermin." Giddup said as he put me down. I was about to ask for the third hare's name, but then I noticed something he said.

"Wait, did you just call me a vermin?"

There was a small silence, followed by the big oaf merely saying, "Yeah."

"Look who's talkin, you bushy tail rat! What kind of bull sh-"

 _WHOMP!_

I doubled over as Sparrow removed her fist from my abdomen. That was usually one of the more tender spots.

"How many times I gotta tell ya to show some manners, wot!" Sparrow said in a snippy voice. Honestly, her annoyed voice is a much more aggravating sound than her enraged voice.

"How... fnnngh dimmmn..."

"Wot was that?"

"Gimme a sec, I'm waiting for my kidney to move back into place. Why do you always have to resort to violence? It is never necessary!"

"That's an opinion." Willow stated matter-of-factly.

I received a light tap on the shoulder. I straightened slightly and looked at the silent hare, who merely motioned for me to follow her. She started to walk closer to the edge of the camp, away from the others. I hobbled towards her, still awkwardly tied up and in pain. Once we moved five feet into the trees, the rabbit started talking.

"It's good to see you're still alive."

... Was that a positive comment? No, no, I will not be suckered in. I am not lowering my guard. This is gonna be followed by a spear butt to the face, I bet.

"I'd like to start by saying that I'm sorry for all that you've had to endure. You're very strong to have gotten as far as you have."

It's a trick. I'm not falling for this.

"I promise, I'll make those savage little morons pay for what they've done to you."

I-I'm not... I'm...

She hugged me. "And after everything is finished, you'll go back home to your... Nebarska?"

She... I... Oh my God.

My world collapsed. For a solid month, I had been beaten, dragged through who knows where, and all the while I kept my thoughts away from home, trying not to think about my friends, my house, my family, my life...

"Are... Are you crying?"

"No." I lied through my very unflattering sounding sobs. My eyes were blurry, my nose was running like a waterfall, and my entire body felt weak. Weak from the multiple bruises, weak from the surroundings, weak from trying to put up a stoic and cocky front. "What makes you think I'm crying?"

"Wot in blazes is going on here?" I heard Sparrow come from behind. I didn't even turn to acknowledge her. I didn't care about anything at that moment. Hell, I didn't even bother to make a dumb one-liner.

"Gotta say Rodie ol' gal, ya really must've done somethin' fierce to the scum. I've beat 'I'm black and blue, and I never got a single tear outa him."

Rodie. So that's who that is. How bout that.

* * *

I'd like to get this off my chest. Originally, the ending for this chapter was going to be more wacky hijinks and general hullaballoo. Then I realized that this story might not get completed. There's a good chance I might abandon this story, as I've done with so many.

So looks like the emotional flow is gonna get rushed just so I could finally get the satisfaction of writing a serious piece down for once. Hooray for ruining my own story!


End file.
